The Kirtlington Mummers Play was compiled from two recorded plays. R. Brett & G. King.
MOLLY: (With besom in hand, comes in sweeping around)
Good masters and good mistresses, I hope you’re all within, I come this merry Christmas time, To catch you on the wing, Make room, make room, for me and my brave boys, And if you won’t believe all that I say, Step in King George and clear the way, Come in King George.
KING GEORGE: In comes I King George, The man of courage bold, With my sword in my hand, I won Pound 10,000 in gold, E’re a man henters this door, I’ll cut him down with my created hand, I’ll cut him as small as dust, Send him to make mince pie crust. Come in Jolly Frenchman!
JOLLY FRENCHMAN: In comes I, the Jolly Frenchman, The Jolly Frenchman am I, Where is this man, Who bids me stand, Said he’ll cut me with his created hand. So an I’m come to face my foe, To give this man the created blow, So cock up your sword, and keep guard on your eye, Else down in this house you’ll very soon lie.
(They fight with wooden swords and the Jolly Frenchman knocks King George down)
JOLLY FRENCHMAN: Wur’s the doctor?
DOCTOR: Yure he is!
(Doctor comes in riding on the back of Jack Spinney. Jack throws him off and fades off.)
JOLLY FRENCHMAN: Doctor, doctor, do thy part, King George is ‘oonded through the heart, Once at art and once at ease, Five pounds I’ll freely give to thee.
DOCTOR: I shan’t come come for five pounds!
JOLLY FRENCHMAN: Then ten pounds I’ll give for a good doctor.
DOCTOR: That’s more like it. Come in Jack Spinney.
JACK SPINNEY: My name’s not Jack Spinney, My name’s Mr Finney, A man of great pains, Can do more than you or any man can.
DOCTOR: What can you do then?
JACK SPINNEY: Do? Why, I can cure a magpie with toothache.
DOCTOR: How do you do that?
JACK SPINNEY: Why, cut off her head and throw her body in the ditch.
DOCTOR: Take one of my pills as round as a ball, To cure his back, belly stomach and all, Goes down his throat like soapsuds going down a sinkhole, Comes out like a threshing machine.
(Pretends to give him one.)
Now is the case as it was before. Rise up King George and fight once more!
(They get up and have another little battle. Jolly Frenchman pushes King George out of the end of his sword.)
JOLLY FRENCHMAN: Wur’s the doctor?
DOCTOR: Yure he is.
JOLLY FRENCHMAN: My old dummon was taken bad last night. How much do you charge to cure her?
DOCTOR: Ten pounds.
JOLLY FRENCHMAN: Ten pounds! I can’t afford that, I’m a pore man. I’ll give you fifteen.
DOCTOR: Fetch her in an let’s ave a look at her.
(King George and Jolly Frenchman fetch Molly back. She is shaking and trembling all the while. They pretend to seat her in the chair and the others pull the chair backwards so she falls on the floor. She then gets in the chair. Doctor catches her by both hands and pulls her about.)
DOCTOR: Poor old crater! I think she takes snuff. Otherwise she chews tobacco. I think she’s got the belly ache. I think she’s got the toothache.
KING GEORGE: We’ll draw it then.
(Doctor gets a pair of pincers and a large horse’s tooth. Puts pincers up to mouth. Two men behind as he draws, they push her head forward out of the chair. He holds up the tooth in the pincers.)
DOCTOR: Here’s a tooth as long as tenpenny nail, It’s more like a horse’s tooth than a woman’s. Now I’ve cured in Ireland, Scotland, France and Spain, Now take one of these pills and rise again, For they will cure the itch, the
stitch, the palsy and the gout, And any other malady – it’s sure to fetch it out.
MUMMERS: Come in Belze Bub.
BELZE BUB: In comes I, old father Belze Bub. Father Belze Bub am I. On my shoulder I carries my club, And in my hand a dripping pan, Don’t you think I’m a merry old man? I had three sons come home last night, Hawking and spawking and spitting about the house, I bred em, all three, up in a sawpit. As I was givin a broad narrow lane, I met a pigstye tied to an eldern bush, I knocked on the maid and out came the door, Her asked me If I could drink a crust of bread and cheese and eat a half pint of beer, I said no thank ye, but yes if yer please. So all bonny lasses fill up yer glasses, Let’s have a bit of jig.
MUMMERS: Come in Jack Spinney.
JACK SPINNEY: In comes I as an’t been it, With my great head and little wit. My head’s so big, my wit’s so small, I’ve brought you a fiddle to please you all.
MUMMERS SING
END
